what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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