I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
