the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
