If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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