Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
