just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize