I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
