I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Randomize
