How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize