So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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