thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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