The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
