At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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