I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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