Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
