i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
