when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Randomize
