so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
