actually, I'm a sock model
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
