everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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