My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
