remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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