Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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