i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize