sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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