My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
