woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
