I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
