No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize