When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
