Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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