When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
