He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
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