We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
