I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
