Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
