We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
