Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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