i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
