How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
