lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
