K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
