FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
