at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
