How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Randomize
