were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
