how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
