mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
