this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
