ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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