You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize