Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
