i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
