You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
