Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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