When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
