you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize