8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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