Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
