I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
