So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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