I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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