I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
