i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
