He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
It's just like the Real World with babies
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Can I color on your dick again?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
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