Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
