I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Do you still have your period?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
